Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
