First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
