I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
