I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Randomize
