Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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