I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
