you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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