i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
