sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
