Me. At least after what I've been through.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
