$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
