Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
