I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
