If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
