The maid of honor just puked.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
