Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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