The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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