I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize