Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
