She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
