from now on my penis is your penis
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
