If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
