I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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