Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
