Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
