i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
being pregnant is like rehab
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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