Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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