I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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