you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
