I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
