Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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