My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
