new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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