She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
false alarm, still single
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
