Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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