Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
