So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
