proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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