i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize