Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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