2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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