made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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