got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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