Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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