I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What drink are we having for lunch?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
