My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize