he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
