Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
