the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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