paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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