We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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