im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
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