i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
