That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
