ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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