Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
