i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
