I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
